Once, he brought home a pumpkin so large that he couldn’t get it through our front door without turning it sideways.
He never wanted the smooth, perfect ones.
Kylie had been two then.
She’d sat on the porch laughing while James wrestled with it.
He died the following year.
Four years have passed since then.
He died the following year.
Some days, I can talk about him easily.
Other days, I still have trouble saying his name without stopping.
Kylie remembers little pieces of him.
The rest comes from photographs and stories I’ve told her.
Kylie remembers little pieces of him.
“Can we get another one?” she asked.
I looked at the pumpkin already in our cart.
“One more.”
***
By Sunday morning, our kitchen looked like a pumpkin had exploded.
“Can we get another one?”
Seeds covered the table.
Orange pulp stuck to the counter.
Kylie wore one of my old T-shirts over her clothes, and she’d somehow managed to get pumpkin guts in her hair.
“Mommy, look!”
Seeds covered the table.
She held up a handful of stringy pulp.
“It’s pumpkin spaghetti!”
“Please don’t eat it.”
“I wasn’t going to!” She considered the handful. “Would it taste bad?”
“Very.”
“Please don’t eat it.”
She dropped it into the bowl.
We spent the morning scooping, drawing, and carving.
Kylie sketched faces with a washable marker.
I handled the knives.
We spent the morning scooping, drawing, and carving.
She insisted on choosing where every eye, nose, and mouth belonged.
Our first pumpkin looked permanently surprised.
The second had one enormous eye and one tiny one.
For the third, Kylie drew a smile that slanted sharply upward on one side.
She insisted on choosing where every eye, nose, and mouth belonged.
I studied it.
“Want me to straighten that?”
“No!” She pulled the pumpkin closer. “Daddy made smiles like that.”
I looked at her.
“How do you know?”
“You showed me the picture.”
“Daddy made smiles like that.”
She meant the old photograph of James sitting on our porch beside a crooked jack-o’-lantern.
I’d shown it to her the week before.
“He said crooked pumpkins were the funniest,” she added.
I nodded.
“He did.”
“He said crooked pumpkins were the funniest.”
She watched while I carefully carved along her drawing.
When I finished, she leaned forward.
“That’s it!”
The pumpkin looked ridiculous.
One eye sat higher than the other.
The pumpkin looked ridiculous.
Its mouth was so crooked that it seemed to be laughing at its own joke.
Kylie loved it.
“That’s the one I’m taking!”
She put a battery-operated light inside and switched it on.
Orange light shone through the crooked smile.
Kylie loved it.
For a moment, I could almost hear James making one of his terrible jokes.
He used to call the slimy insides “pumpkin guts” in a ridiculous monster voice.
Kylie would laugh until she hiccupped.
I missed that sound.
I could almost hear James making one of his terrible jokes.
“Mommy?”
I blinked.
“Yes, baby?”
“Can I have the orange paper?”
“What for?”
“A decoration.”
I pointed toward the craft drawer.
“Bottom shelf.”
“Can I have the orange paper?”
She took several sheets of construction paper and a pair of safety scissors.
While I cleaned the counter, she cut narrow strips.
Every so often, she asked for tape.
I assumed she was making something to hang around the pumpkin.
I assumed she was making something.
When I asked whether she needed help, she shook her head.
“It’s a surprise.”
“All right.”
“But don’t look.”
I turned toward the sink.
“I’m not looking.”
“You are a little!”
“It’s a surprise.”
I laughed and faced the window.
Behind me, I heard scissors snipping and tape being pulled from the dispenser.
***
By late afternoon, the kitchen was clean.
Kylie lined up all three pumpkins on the table.
I heard scissors snipping and tape being pulled.
She studied them like a judge at a competition.
Then she picked the crooked one.
“This one’s going to win.”
“Maybe,” I said.
“It has to.”
“This one’s going to win.”
I glanced at her.
She’d been saying that all weekend.
“Kylie, you know it’s okay if somebody else’s pumpkin wins.”
She frowned.
“But ours is special.”
“It is.”
“But ours is special.”
She touched the crooked mouth.
“Really special.”
I put my arm around her.
“Then I’m glad we made it.”
She didn’t seem satisfied.
“I’m glad we made it.”
***
That evening, while I folded laundry, Kylie carried the pumpkin into her bedroom.
I heard her moving things around.
“Kylie, what are you doing?”
“Nothing!”
I smiled.
“That sounds suspicious.”
I heard her moving things around.
“I’m making it better!”
A few minutes later, she came out carrying the pumpkin with both hands.
Its lid was firmly in place.
“Can you put it somewhere safe, Mommy?”
Its lid was firmly in place.
I set it on the dining room table.
She checked the lid twice.
Then she asked whether I thought her teacher would like it.
“I’m sure she will, sweetheart.”
She checked the lid twice.
“What if somebody takes the lid off?”
“Why would they?”
She shrugged.
“I don’t know.”
I assumed she was worried someone might damage her work.
“What if somebody takes the lid off?”
Before bed, she asked if she could check the pumpkin one more time.
I let her.
When I tucked her in, she held my hand.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Did Daddy really make funny pumpkins?”
Before bed, she asked if she could check the pumpkin one more time.
“He made the funniest.”
“Even funnier than ours?”
I smiled.
“Some were pretty terrible.”
She giggled.
“Did you laugh?”
“Every time.”
“He made the funniest.”
She looked pleased.
Then she rolled onto her side and closed her eyes.
I stayed beside her until her breathing slowed.
Afterward, I went downstairs.
I washed the last few dishes and turned off the kitchen light.
She looked pleased.
On my way to bed, I passed the photograph of James on the hallway shelf.
He was holding Kylie when she was a baby.
She’d fallen asleep against his shoulder.
I picked up the frame.
He was holding Kylie when she was a baby.
Some nights, I cried after Kylie went to bed.
I tried to keep it quiet.
I didn’t want her to worry.
She’d already lost her father.
I didn’t want her wondering whether something was wrong with me too.
I didn’t want her to worry.
I put the photograph back and went upstairs.
***
The next morning, Kylie woke before her alarm.
She dressed in her favorite orange sweater and insisted on eating breakfast quickly.
“Come on, Mommy! We can’t be late!”
“We have plenty of time.”
The next morning, Kylie woke before her alarm.
“But the pumpkins need to be there before school starts!”
I carried the pumpkin to the car.
Kylie sat beside it in the back seat, holding it steady whenever we turned.
At school, her teacher greeted us near the classroom door.
“Oh, Kylie! What a wonderful pumpkin!”
I carried the pumpkin to the car.
Kylie beamed.
“Mommy helped me.”
“I can see you worked hard on it.”
The teacher carried it to a table where several other pumpkins were already displayed.
Kylie followed closely.
“Mommy helped me.”
“Be careful with the lid,” she said.
“I will.”
“And don’t shake it.”
Her teacher smiled.
“I promise.”
I kissed Kylie goodbye.
“Be careful with the lid.”
She hurried into the classroom, then turned back.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“Do you think we’ll win?”
I smiled.
“I think we made something wonderful.”
She considered that answer.
Then she waved and disappeared inside.
“I think we made something wonderful.”
***
I drove to work feeling tired but happy.
And for once, Halloween hadn’t left me thinking only about what we’d lost.
Just before lunch, my phone rang.
The school number appeared on the screen.
I answered immediately.
“Hello?”
The school number appeared on the screen.
“Is this Tisha?”
“Yes.”
“This is the principal. I’m calling about the pumpkin Kylie brought to school.”
I sat upright.
“Oh. Did something happen to it?”
There was a pause.
Then she asked, “Do you have any idea what your daughter put inside it?!”
“I’m calling about the pumpkin Kylie brought to school.”
I gripped the phone.
“What? We were just carving pumpkins together!”
Someone spoke urgently in the background.
I couldn’t make out the words.
“Is Kylie okay?” I asked.
I couldn’t make out the words.
“She’s safe. But she’s very upset.”
“What happened?”
“Her teacher was checking the battery-operated light before putting the pumpkins on display. She found something inside.”
“She’s very upset.”
My heart raced.
“Something dangerous?”
“No. Nothing dangerous. But we’re worried about Kylie.”
“Why? What happened?”
“We’re worried about Kylie.”
“Her teacher found a note inside the pumpkin. Kylie started crying when she realized we’d read it. She keeps begging us not to tell you.”
I looked at the clock.
“What kind of note?”
“She keeps begging us not to tell you.”
“It mentions something she’s been hearing at home. We don’t know what she means yet, and I don’t want to guess over the phone.”
I stood up.
“Why would she say that?”
“That’s what we’re concerned about. We’d like you to come in so we can talk together.”
“It mentions something she’s been hearing at home.”
I grabbed my keys.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
***
I barely remembered to tell my boss I was leaving.
The drive took fifteen minutes.
I grabbed my keys.
I spent every one of them wondering what Kylie could possibly have hidden.
Had she taken something from home?
Had another child given her something?
Had she written something she was afraid I’d see?
Had she taken something from home?
When I reached the school, the receptionist directed me to the principal’s office.
The door was open.
I stepped inside.
And stopped.
Kylie’s crooked-smile pumpkin sat on a table.
Its lid had been removed.
Beside it lay the little battery-operated light.
Its lid had been removed.
Several orange paper loops were spread across a clean sheet of paper.
A folded note rested beside them.
The principal stood near the desk, her phone still in her hand.
“Kylie is with her teacher in the next room,” she said. “She’s safe.”
A folded note rested beside them.
I barely heard her.
“Please, sit down,” she added. “There’s something you need to see.”
I recognized the orange paper.
The strips Kylie had cut while I cleaned the kitchen.
“What is all this?”
“There’s something you need to see.”
The principal handed me the note.
“Her teacher found it inside the pumpkin. When she unfolded it, Kylie started crying.”
I opened the paper.
The words were written in Kylie’s uneven handwriting.
PLEASE DON’T TELL MOMMY I KNOW SHE CRIES AT NIGHT.
I opened the paper.
Below that, in smaller letters, she’d written:
I WAS TRYING TO MAKE HER HAPPY.
I read it twice.
Then I noticed one of the letters was backward.
Kylie always wrote that letter backward.
The paper trembled between my fingers.
I read it twice.
The principal spoke gently.
“She told us she didn’t want you to be sad if you found out she knew.”
I looked at the orange paper loops.
Each one had a number written on it.
One through seven.
Each one had a number written on it.
A separate strip marked eight lay beside them.
I picked up the first loop.
1. DADDY HELD ME.
The second said:
2. DADDY MADE FUNNY PUMPKINS.
The third:
3. DADDY DIED.
My fingers stopped moving.
DADDY HELD ME.
Then I read the others.
4. I GOT MY RED BIKE.
5. I LOST A TOOTH.
6. I LEARNED TO SWIM.
7. MOMMY AND I MADE THIS.
The eighth strip was blank.
MOMMY AND I MADE THIS.
I looked toward the next room.
All weekend, I’d thought Kylie was trying to win a ribbon.
Now I looked at the blank eighth strip and wondered what she’d hoped to make happen.
***
The principal brought Kylie into the office.
I’d thought Kylie was trying to win a ribbon.
She clutched her sweater.
“Am I in trouble, Mommy?”
“No, sweetheart.” I knelt beside her. “Why did you put that note inside the pumpkin?”
Kylie stared at her shoes.
“I was pretending it was a secret message to Daddy. I didn’t think anybody would open it.”
“Am I in trouble, Mommy?”
“And why didn’t you want me to see it?”
“Because I hear you crying sometimes.”
I smoothed the folded note against my knee.
“At night?”
She nodded.
“Because you miss Daddy.” She pointed toward the pumpkin. “I thought if we won, you’d be happy again.”
“You miss Daddy.”
I pulled her close.
“Oh, Kylie.”
“I made Daddy’s funny smile. You laughed at those.”
“I did.”
“Did I make you sad?”
“No, honey. I miss Daddy sometimes. That’s why I cry.”
“Did I make you sad?”
She considered that.
“Will you cry tonight?”
“Maybe. But you don’t have to make me happy again. I can be sad and still take care of us.”
Kylie leaned against me.
“Can I still make you laugh?”
“Always.”
“Will you cry tonight?”
I touched the loose paper strip.
“What’s number eight for?”
“It’s one thing for every year I’ve been alive,” she said. “Number eight is for when I’m eight. I don’t know what happens yet.”
“Oh, baby…”
“What’s number eight for?”
She glanced toward the door.
“Can my pumpkin still be in the contest?”
I smiled.
“Of course.”
***
That afternoon, Kylie didn’t win.
She was furious.
Kylie didn’t win.
“The winning pumpkin had glitter! That’s cheating!”
I helped carry ours home.
We put it on the porch.
At bedtime, Kylie asked what Daddy’s voice sounded like.
I tried his ridiculous monster voice.
“PUUUMPKIN GUTS!”
I tried his ridiculous monster voice.
Kylie burst out laughing.
“Again!”
I did it twice more, badly enough that I started laughing too.
Later, we put her paper chain in the craft drawer.
The eighth strip stayed blank.
Before bed, I checked the porch light.
The eighth strip stayed blank.
Our crooked pumpkin glowed beside the door.
Kylie appeared in her pajamas.
“Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“Next year, can I cut the smile myself?”
“We’ll see how old you are.”
“Next year, can I cut the smile myself?”
She frowned.
“I’ll be eight!”
“I know.”
She took my hand.
I switched off the porch light, leaving the little pumpkin glowing.
Then we went inside.
I switched off the porch light, leaving the little pumpkin glowing.
