“Then clean it.”
“Sarah, you underestimate the mountain.”
I laughed. I thought he was exaggerating.
I should’ve heard the warning bells.
***
Two years later, Robert proposed.
With two months left before the wedding, we finally decided to move in together.
“Your place or mine?” I asked.
“Yours. It’s bigger and closer to work.”
“And your place?”
I thought he was exaggerating.
“I’ll give up the lease. No point paying for two.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
I had no idea what I was signing up for.
When we cooked together, he preferred supervising.
“You’re better at this,” he’d say.
We finally decided to move in together.
“You do know how to cook, right?” I once asked.
“Of course. I just prefer your cooking.”
“And laundry?”
“Sarah, I have a job and pay my bills. I’m not helpless.”
I believed him. That was my mistake.
He preferred supervising.
For the first four days of living together, everything seemed perfect.
Then, at six one morning, Robert shook me awake.
“Sarah, we have a problem.”
I sat up. “What happened?”
“I’m out of clean socks.”
That was my mistake.
“Did you wash any?”
“You were doing laundry yesterday.”
“My laundry, Robert.”
He looked offended. “Fine. I’ll figure something out.”
He went to work without socks.
I’m out of clean socks.
Apparently, I wasn’t marrying an independent man.
I was adopting a very tall inconvenience.
***
Over the following weeks, his helplessness developed remarkable ambition.
He expected ironed shirts, packed lunches, and reminders about practically everything.
“Mom always did these things,” he’d complain.
I was adopting a very tall inconvenience.
“Then perhaps Mom should’ve taught you how.”
But the toaster incident was my favorite.
“Robert, why does the kitchen smell like burning plastic?”
“I was making breakfast.”
“Where’s the bread?”
Mom always did these things.
“I couldn’t find any.”
“So you put cheese directly into the toaster?”
“You didn’t explain how it works!”
I unplugged the toaster. “Robert, how do you survive at work?”
“Very successfully, thank you.”
I couldn’t find any.
“Then why can’t you make breakfast?”
“Because nobody pays me to!”
Then Barbara, Robert’s mother, came to visit.
She arrived carrying a towel and nail clippers.
“Robert, honey! Feet up!”
Very successfully.
I followed her into the living room.
Barbara spread the towel across her lap. Robert removed his socks and placed his feet on her knees.
“Is your mother cutting your toenails?”
“I hate doing it,” Robert explained.
“You’re thirty-four.”
Feet up!
“And? My feet didn’t get married when I turned eighteen.”
Barbara smiled. “He’s afraid he’ll hurt himself.”
“With nail clippers?”
“Why struggle when I can finish in five minutes?”
I stood there holding two mugs of coffee.
My feet didn’t get married.
“Does she brush your teeth too?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Robert said.
Apparently, even this family had boundaries.
But I was about to find out that Barbara had very different plans for me.
He’ll hurt himself.
***
The following Sunday, Barbara arrived with ironed shirts, prepared lunches, and another towel.
“Sarah, watch carefully.”
“Watch what?”
“How Robert likes his clothes folded.”
“He can fold his clothes.”
Barbara had very different plans for me.
“He doesn’t like wrinkles.”
“Neither do I. Somehow I’ve survived.”
Barbara ignored me.
Then she handed me the clippers. “Pay attention. After the wedding, this becomes your responsibility.”
I laughed.
Watch carefully.
Neither of them did.
“I’m not cutting a grown man’s toenails.”
Barbara’s expression hardened. “Then perhaps you’re not ready to be a wife.”
I turned toward Robert. “Tell her you’re joking.”
“Mom’s right. You’re getting a husband, Sarah. That comes with responsibilities.”
This becomes your responsibility.
“I’m marrying you, not adopting you.”
“You’ll get used to it.”
I wanted to believe this was some bizarre family misunderstanding.
The following afternoon, Robert made sure I understood exactly what he meant.
You’re not ready to be a wife.
***
We were eating lunch with coworkers when he announced, “Sarah still needs some training before the wedding.”
“Training?”
“Basic wife stuff. Cooking, ironing, taking care of her husband.”
Our colleague Mike raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t she already work full-time?”
“Sure, but Mom’s helping her understand her responsibilities.”
I understood exactly what he meant.
“Does your mom brush your teeth too?” Mike asked.
Robert laughed. “At least she knows how to take care of a man.”
“Don’t worry, guys,” he added. “Mom’s training her. We’ve still got six weeks.”
Everyone laughed awkwardly.
I didn’t.
Mom’s helping her understand her responsibilities.
***
That evening, I confronted him. “You embarrassed me at work.”
“Relax. It was funny.”
“You told everyone I needed training!”
“Because you keep refusing simple things. Let’s ask Mom.”
He called Barbara on speaker.
She knows how to take care of a man.
“Sarah’s upset about the training joke,” he explained.
Barbara chuckled. “She’ll learn. A wife needs to listen to her husband.”
Robert grinned. “She’s smart at work, Mom. We just need to teach her how to be useful at home.”
They laughed together.
I didn’t.
And that was when I decided Robert needed one final lesson before our wedding.
I needed training!
***
The next morning, I stopped doing his laundry.
I stopped preparing lunches.
I stopped reminding him about appointments.
Two days later, Robert came home from work and dropped his briefcase by the door.
“Sarah, where’s my blue shirt?”
Robert needed one final lesson.
“In the closet.”
“It’s wrinkled.”
“Then iron it.”
He frowned. “I spent all day handling difficult clients. The last thing I want is to come home and do laundry.”
“I spent all day working too.”
It’s wrinkled.
“That’s different. Mom always made sure Dad had everything he needed.”
“Then maybe Dad should’ve helped Mom.”
Robert slammed his briefcase onto the table. “This is exactly why Mom says you’re not ready.”
Robert was so sure I’d eventually give in.
He had no idea how close he was to getting exactly what he wanted.
Mom always made sure Dad had everything.
***
That evening, I stared at our wedding invitations and called my sister.
“Tell me I’m not making a mistake.”
“About the wedding?”
“Three years together. Six weeks until we’re married.”
“Sarah, do you actually want to marry him?”
Getting exactly what he wanted.
“I wanted to marry the man I thought he was.”
“And now?”
“Now I think he wants a replacement for his mother.”
“Then you already know your answer.”
Arguing was pointless. Robert would just call Mom.
And that’s when I came up with a plan to teach Robert a lesson he’d never forget.
He wants a replacement for his mother.
***
That evening, I turned to Robert.
“How about a pre-wedding brunch this Saturday?”
“With coworkers?”
“Of course. I’ll handle the invitations.”
Robert grinned. “This is why I love you.”
“Just be ready by two.”
I came up with a plan.
***
Over the next few days, I made several calls.
“Everything canceled?” my sister asked.
“Venue, caterer, photographer. All of it.”
“And Robert?”
“He still thinks we’re getting married.”
“So that’s his karma? Losing you?”
I’ll handle the invitations.
“Not quite. I’ve got one final lesson planned.”
“Sarah, are you sure?”
“I’ve spent months letting him and his mother humiliate me. For once, I want to stand up for myself.”
“And your plan?”
“Let’s just say Robert will do all the talking.”
I’ve got one final lesson planned.
***
By Friday, everything was arranged.
Robert still thought we were celebrating our wedding.
That evening, Barbara called.
“I’m visiting my sister this weekend, sweetheart. I can’t come Sunday.”
Robert groaned. “Great. Who’s supposed to do my feet?”
Robert will do all the talking.
I looked up from my laptop. “I will.”
He blinked. “Really?”
“Of course.”
His face brightened. “I knew you’d finally come around.”
I almost laughed.
Who’s supposed to do my feet?
***
Saturday arrived.
Robert spent the morning asking about his toenails.
“Sarah, when are we doing my feet?”
“Relax. The guests aren’t coming until two. We’ve got plenty of time.”
I tucked a small gift box behind the couch.
I knew you’d finally come around.
Robert noticed it. “Another wedding present?”
“Something like that.”
“From who?”
“Me.”
He grinned. “Now I’m curious.”
“You’ll get it later.”
Another wedding present…
***
At twelve forty-five, I spread a towel across my lap.
“Come on, honey. Let’s do those nails.”
“Finally! Think you can finish before everyone arrives?”
“An hour? I’ll manage.”
He removed his socks and placed his feet in my lap.
Let’s do those nails.
I took my time examining his toenails, asking how his mother usually did it.
My phone buzzed.
Daniel: We’re here.
Right on time.
I’d told Robert two. The invitations said one.
Someone knocked.
We’re here.
Robert glanced toward the door. “Who’s that?”
“Let’s find out.”
I stood up and opened the door.
Daniel, our department director, stood there with his wife Susan, Mike, and several coworkers.
And if you thought that was everything I’d planned for Robert, you were wrong.
This was only the beginning.
Someone knocked.
“Welcome! You’re early!”
Robert looked past me.
His grin vanished. “Sarah. No. You didn’t.”
“What’s wrong?”
He yanked his feet away. “How could you do this to me?!”
This was only the beginning.
Daniel hesitated. “We can come back.”
“No!” Robert grabbed his socks. “It’s a misunderstanding.”
Susan stared at the towel. “Were you cutting his toenails?”
“Apparently, that’s part of my future job description.”
“Sarah!” Robert snapped.
No. You didn’t.
Mike raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”
“She’s joking!” Robert said. “I can take care of myself.”
“Perfect. Then prove it.”
I pulled out the gift box. “Your wedding present.”
He tore off the wrapping paper.
‘HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT.’
It’s a misunderstanding.
Inside were nail clippers, detergent, a cookbook, and a note.
“Congratulations! Your free trial of having a wife has expired.”
Mike snorted.
“Very funny,” Robert muttered.
“Three simple tasks,” I said. “Unless you’re worried?”
‘HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT.’
Robert glanced at our department director. “Fine!”
I handed him the clippers. “First, your toenails.”
“Right now?”
“You were happy to let me do them.”
Robert bent forward. “Why won’t these open?”
Three simple tasks.
“Try the lever,” Susan suggested.
“I KNOW!”
He flipped it backward.
The clippers snapped shut.
Mike whispered, “First opponent defeated him.”
First, your toenails.
Robert tossed them aside. “I’ll do it later!”
“Next, ironing.”
I handed him a shirt.
He fetched the iron and dragged it across the fabric.
Susan frowned. “Robert, it’s not turned on.”
First opponent defeated him.
“I was about to!” He examined the dial. “Which setting?”
“Check the label,” I said.
“Where?”
Mike shook his head. “Defeated by a cotton blend.”
Daniel folded his arms. “Interesting. At work, you kept telling everyone how independent you were and how Sarah needed training.”
Which setting?
Robert flushed. “Sir, I was joking!”
“Doesn’t look like Sarah was laughing.”
Robert slammed the iron down. “This is pointless!”
“Last chance. Make yourself a sandwich.”
“I know how!”
Defeated by a cotton blend.
“Bread and turkey are in the kitchen.”
“I’m not doing your job to entertain everyone!”
Susan stared. “Her job?”
“Marriage is about taking care of each other!”
“Then what do you do for me?” I asked.
Doesn’t look like Sarah was laughing.
“I pay for dinner sometimes.”
Mike muttered, “So does DoorDash.”
Susan laughed.
Daniel looked at Robert. “If you’re this helpless at work too, you can forget about that promotion.”
“Sir, I’m excellent at my job!”
“Then perhaps you should stop treating your fiancée like she’s incompetent.”
Marriage is about taking care of each other!
Robert pointed at me. “You planned this to humiliate me!”
“I gave you three chances to prove me wrong.”
“I’m perfectly capable!”
“Then why didn’t you finish anything?”
“Because that’s what wives are for!”
The room fell silent.
You planned this to humiliate me!
Daniel cleared his throat. “Robert, I think you’ve said enough.”
“Sir, I didn’t mean…”
“You insisted you could manage these things yourself.”
Robert turned to me. “This is why Mom says you’re not ready for marriage!”
“Funny. I was thinking the same about you.”
That’s what wives are for!
“Excuse me?”
“Your mother cuts your toenails. You can’t iron a shirt. And making lunch is beneath you.”
“Mom always took care of Dad!”
“I work full-time too!”
“I just want a wife who takes care of me like Mom did!”
Mom says you’re not ready for marriage!
Susan shook her head. “That’s not a partnership.”
“Whatever! Mom says every woman needs training!”
I nodded. “Then it’s a good thing I won’t need any.”
“What?”
I removed my engagement ring. “I’m not marrying you.”
That’s not a partnership.
He laughed nervously. “Sarah, stop.”
“I canceled the wedding two days ago.”
“You WHAT?”
“Everything’s canceled. My family knows.”
“You can’t do that!”
“I already did.”
I’m not marrying you.
He stared at the ring. “But where am I supposed to live?”
“We’ll agree on a move-out date.”
“And who’s going to help me with everything?”
There it was.
Not I love you.
Just a grown man worried about his laundry.
You can’t do that!
I pushed the box toward him. “Keep it. You’ll need it.”
Mike glanced inside. “Especially the cookbook.”
Daniel collected his coat.
“Robert, I hope to see the professional version of you Monday.”
The guests left.
Just a grown man worried about his laundry.
Robert immediately called his mom.
Minutes later, my phone rang. “How dare you embarrass my son!”
“He had three chances to impress everyone.”
“You’ve ruined his future!”
“No. I’ve returned responsibility for it.”
How dare you embarrass my son!
“He needs someone to take care of him!”
“Then teach him how.”
I hung up.
***
Robert moved out over the following weeks.
My sister helped rearrange the apartment.
I’ve returned responsibility for it.
“Did he take everything?”
“Almost.”
“What’s left?”
“The toaster.”
“Does it work?”
My sister helped rearrange the apartment.
“Surprisingly, yes.”
“And the survival kit?”
“He took it.”
“Think he’ll use it?”
“I hope so. Those clippers weren’t cheap.”
Surprisingly, yes.
She laughed. “Any regrets?”
“Only that I spent three years making excuses for him.”
“Could’ve been thirty.”
“True.”
“So, what happens when the next charming guy comes along?”
I spent three years making excuses for him.
“I’ll watch what he does, not what he promises.”
“And if his mother brings nail clippers?”
“I’ll show them both the door.”
My sister laughed.
For three years, I’d worried about being a good enough wife.
Turns out, I needed to learn how to stand up for myself.
I’ll watch what he does, not what he promises.
