I bought him a new bed, cleared space for his bowls, and stocked up on treats.
But he wasn’t the problem. His “mommy” was.
“You’re spoiling him,” Linda laughed.
“He’s our guest.”
“He’s practically family!”
But he wasn’t the problem.
I didn’t disagree.
Linda and I weren’t best friends, but we’d always managed to get along.
Then she decided Charlie deserved the same dining privileges as everyone else.
It started one Tuesday evening.
We were having chicken and mashed potatoes when Charlie appeared beside Linda’s chair.
It started one Tuesday evening.
“Mom, he’s staring at my chicken!” my youngest daughter complained.
“That’s because he has excellent taste, sweetheart,” Linda said.
After dinner, Linda put her plate on the floor.
“Charlie! Come to Grandma!”
Charlie immediately started licking the leftover gravy.
“Linda, what are you doing?”
“Linda, what are you doing?”
“Giving Charlie his dessert.”
“From your plate?”
“Well, he’s not going to use a fork!”
The kids laughed.
I didn’t.
“Linda, he has his own bowl.”
“Giving Charlie his dessert.”
“Oh, sweetheart, this plate’s going to be washed.”
“I’d still prefer that he didn’t eat from our dishes.”
“Dish soap disinfects everything.”
She dropped the plate into the sink with the others.
I figured we’d had a misunderstanding.
The following morning proved otherwise.
I figured we’d had a misunderstanding.
Mike was hunting for his car keys while our youngest searched for her backpack.
Meanwhile, Linda had Charlie sitting on her lap.
His front paws were on the kitchen table, and he was eating the remains of her scrambled eggs.
“Linda! His paws are on the table!”
“He’s just finishing my breakfast.”
“Please use his bowl.”
“Please use his bowl.”
“Why should I dirty another dish?”
“Because I’ve asked you to!”
She looked offended.
“Goodness, Sarah. There’s no need to be rude.”
I wasn’t criticizing what Charlie ate.
I just didn’t want a dog licking the plates my children used.
She looked offended.
For the next several days, Charlie continued enjoying our dinnerware.
On Thursday, I caught Linda offering him leftover rice from Emily’s cereal bowl.
“Linda, please!”
“What now?”
“That’s Emily’s bowl!”
“And I’ll wash it!”
“Linda, please!”
“That’s what you said yesterday!”
“Because it’s still true!”
“Why can’t you use the dog bowl sitting three feet away?”
“Because this one’s already dirty!”
“So you’d rather make me wonder which dishes Charlie’s been licking?”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake! Do you think your precious dishes are made of gold?”
“Why can’t you use the dog bowl sitting three feet away?”
“No! I think you should respect one simple request!”
Linda pushed the bowl toward the sink.
“You know, I raised three children without anyone supervising my kitchen.”
“And now you’re in mine!”
She stopped.
“Excuse me?”
“And now you’re in mine!”
“I’ve asked you nicely every day. You keep ignoring me.”
“Well, perhaps you should stop treating me like a child!”
“Then stop making me repeat myself!”
That evening, Mike found me rewashing several bowls.
“Didn’t you already do those?”
“Ask your mother.”
“You keep ignoring me.”
He sighed.
“Again?”
“Emily’s cereal bowl this time.”
Mike walked into the living room.
“Mom, we need to talk.”
Linda lowered her magazine.
“Mom, we need to talk.”
“About what?”
“Charlie. Stop feeding him from our dishes.”
“Oh, Michael, not you too!”
“Sarah’s been asking all week.”
“And I’ve been washing everything!”
“You’re missing the point.”
“Charlie. Stop feeding him from our dishes.”
I appeared in the doorway.
“Linda, nobody’s asking you to change your life. Just use Charlie’s bowl!”
“In all my years, nobody has complained about how I feed my dog!”
“Maybe nobody wanted this argument,” Mike replied.
“Well, I certainly don’t!”
She marched upstairs.
“You’re missing the point.”
I looked at Mike.
“Think she’ll stop?”
He glanced toward the stairs.
“I wouldn’t bet money on it.”
Unfortunately, he was right.
And what happened at our dinner party the following evening was far worse than anything she’d done before.
“Think she’ll stop?”
***
That Friday, we invited our friends Amy and David over for dinner.
AND IT WAS A DI-SAS-TER!
I’d made roast chicken, potatoes, and vegetables.
Before they arrived, I approached Linda.
“Please don’t feed Charlie from the table tonight.”
“Sarah, for heaven’s sake!”
AND IT WAS A DI-SAS-TER!
“I’m serious.”
“Fine! The poor dog can starve while we eat.”
“He had dinner twenty minutes ago.”
“You always have an answer for everything.”
I should have known that agreement wouldn’t last.
At first, dinner went wonderfully.
“I’m serious.”
David told us about a ridiculous incident at work. Mike tried to top it with an even worse story.
The children argued over the last dinner roll.
Charlie stationed himself beside Linda.
Amy smiled at him.
“Look at that face! He’s adorable.”
“He knows it,” I said.
At first, dinner went wonderfully.
“He’s practically my fourth grandchild,” Linda announced.
“Well, the fourth grandchild already ate,” I reminded her.
Linda pretended not to hear.
After dinner, Amy stepped away from the table, leaving a piece of chicken on her plate.
Linda immediately noticed.
“Oh, Charlie! Look what Aunt Amy left you!”
Linda pretended not to hear.
Before I could intervene, she lifted Charlie onto Amy’s chair.
He stuck his nose into her plate.
“Linda!”
“What?”
“Get him down!”
“Oh, let him finish!”
“Get him down!”
That was when Amy returned.
“Wait. Is that my plate?”
Linda smiled.
“Oh, yes! You were finished, weren’t you?”
“Well… I was, but…”
“See? Nothing goes to waste in this house!”
“Wait. Is that my plate?”
David looked from his wife to the dog.
“Does he do that often?”
“More often than I’d like,” I answered.
“Sarah, don’t embarrass me!” Linda snapped.
“You put your dog on our guest’s chair!”
“And? Amy wasn’t using it!”
“Does he do that often?”
Amy pulled her chair back.
“You know what? We should probably get going.”
“Already?” Mike asked.
“Yeah, we’ve got an early morning,” David said.
They gathered their things much earlier than planned.
At the door, I apologized.
“We should probably get going.”
“Sarah, it’s okay,” Amy said.
“Really, I’m sorry.”
She gave me an awkward smile.
“Maybe next time we can eat at our place.”
That stung.
After they left, I turned toward Linda.
“Maybe next time we can eat at our place.”
“You made our guests leave!”
“Oh, don’t be dramatic!”
“Charlie was eating off Amy’s plate!”
“She was finished!”
“That wasn’t your decision to make!”
Mike stepped beside me.
“You made our guests leave!”
“Mom, that was embarrassing.”
“For whom? Charlie?”
“For Amy and David!”
Linda threw up her hands.
“Oh, please! Nobody’s going to die because a dog licked a plate.”
She stormed upstairs.
“Nobody’s going to die because a dog licked a plate.”
I picked up Amy’s plate, which Charlie had practically polished.
Then I remembered Linda’s favorite argument.
Clean dishes were clean dishes, no matter who had eaten from them.
“You know what? I think I have an idea.”
“Sarah?”
I smiled.
“I think I have an idea.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll love it.”
***
But the next afternoon, I discovered something that made my plan considerably more interesting.
I was passing the guest room when I slammed my little toe into a cardboard box.
“OW! SON OF A…”
Mike came running.
“What happened?!”
“Your mother’s boxes are trying to kill me!”
“Your mother’s boxes are trying to kill me!”
“Are you okay?”
“I think I broke my toe!”
“Can you move it?”
“Yes, but I’d rather move your mother’s boxes out of the house!”
He helped me sit down.
I glared at the offending box.
“OW! SON OF A…”
Across the top, Linda had written one word in thick black marker.
VALUABLE.
I remembered that box from moving day.
“Careful with that one!” Linda had shouted as Mike carried it upstairs.
“Mom, I’ve got it.”
“Both hands, Michael!”
VALUABLE.
“I’m using both hands!”
I’d jokingly asked whether it contained the crown jewels.
“Something more important than money,” Linda had replied.
Now I pointed at it.
“Mike, what’s actually in there?”
“Oh, that’s Mom’s…”
I remembered that box from moving day.
He told me.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Does she really care that much about it?”
“Are you kidding? She wouldn’t even let me unpack it.”
What was inside that box could complement my plan perfectly.
“Something more important than money.”
And I knew exactly how to make Linda understand what she’d been doing.
***
Which brings us back to Charlie in his little bow tie.
Linda had just returned from shopping.
“Sarah? I’m home!”
I left Charlie in the dining room and went to greet her.
“Hi, Linda! How was shopping?”
“She wouldn’t even let me unpack it.”
“Exhausting! Everything’s gotten so expensive.”
“Well, I have something that might cheer you up.”
“Oh?”
“There’s a present waiting in your room.”
Her expression brightened.
“A present? For me?”
“There’s a present waiting in your room.”
“Yes. Mike helped with it.”
Linda hurried upstairs.
On her bed sat a small gift box wrapped in paper covered with puppies.
“Oh, look at those adorable dogs!”
“Mike picked the wrapping paper.”
“He wrapped this himself?”
“Mike helped with it.”
“He helped.”
“Well, isn’t that sweet! What’s the occasion?”
“I thought you deserved something special.”
Linda tore off the paper and lifted the lid.
Inside was a beautiful ceramic dog bowl.
Across the front, in large letters, was her name.
Inside was a beautiful ceramic dog bowl.
LINDA.
She stared at it.
“What is this?!”
“Your present.”
“A DOG BOWL?!”
“Your new dinner plate.”
LINDA.
“Have you lost your mind?!”
“What’s wrong? I thought you’d like it.”
“You expect me to eat out of this?!”
“Why not? You said it doesn’t matter.”
“I’m not a dog, Sarah!”
“I know. Neither are my children.”
“You expect me to eat out of this?!”
She set the bowl down.
But the biggest surprise was still waiting for her.
“That’s completely different!”
“How?”
“Because I’m a human being!”
“And those are the plates my family eats from.”
But the biggest surprise was still waiting for her.
Linda grabbed her phone.
“I’m calling Michael!”
“He’s on his way home.”
“Good! He needs to see how you’re treating his mother!”
“Of course. Oh, and don’t worry about Charlie. He’s already having dinner.”
She stopped dialing.
“I’m calling Michael!”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s in the dining room.”
“Sarah, what have you done?”
“Go see.”
Linda marched downstairs.
I followed her.
“Sarah, what have you done?”
Charlie was sitting on a dining chair, wearing his little bow tie.
In front of him sat a porcelain plate containing chopped chicken.
He was happily licking up the last few pieces.
Linda stopped so abruptly I nearly bumped into her.
“IS THAT MY MOTHER’S CHINA?!”
“Yes. Doesn’t Charlie look handsome?”
“IS THAT MY MOTHER’S CHINA?!”
“GET HIM AWAY FROM THAT PLATE!”
“Why? He’s almost finished.”
“THAT PLATE IS SEVENTY YEARS OLD!”
“Don’t worry. I’ll wash it.”
She rushed forward, lifted Charlie off the chair, and snatched up the plate.
“ARE YOU INSANE?!”
“THAT PLATE IS SEVENTY YEARS OLD!”
“Linda, please don’t yell. You’re upsetting Charlie.”
“I DON’T CARE ABOUT CHARLIE RIGHT NOW!”
“That’s a first.”
She examined the plate.
“Do you have any idea what this set is worth?!”
“I’m sure it’s very valuable.”
“I DON’T CARE ABOUT CHARLIE RIGHT NOW!”
“THEN WHY WOULD YOU LET A DOG EAT FROM IT?!”
“You said dish soap disinfects everything.”
“THAT’S DIFFERENT!”
“How?”
“BECAUSE IT’S MINE!”
I looked straight at her.
“BECAUSE IT’S MINE!”
“Exactly, Linda. And those other plates were mine.”
She opened her mouth, then closed it.
“These dishes are worth thousands!”
“And?”
“And your dinner plates cost what? Twenty dollars?”
“That’s not the point.”
“These dishes are worth thousands!”
“You can buy new ones!”
“And you could’ve used Charlie’s bowl.”
She clutched the porcelain plate.
“My mother gave me this set!”
“And my children eat from the dishes you’ve been letting Charlie lick all week.”
“That’s not the same!”
“And you could’ve used Charlie’s bowl.”
“Why? Because your dishes are expensive and mine aren’t?”
“Sarah, you’re being ridiculous!”
“Then wash the plate, Linda. Problem solved, right?”
She looked down at the plate.
For the first time all week, she didn’t have an answer.
Just then, the front door opened.
“That’s not the same!”
“I’m home!” Mike called.
He walked into the dining room and stopped.
His mother was holding a porcelain plate like a priceless museum artifact.
Charlie was sitting on a chair in his bow tie.
And I was standing beside a perfectly set table.
“What on earth happened here?”
Charlie was sitting on a chair in his bow tie.
“MICHAEL! YOUR WIFE FED CHARLIE FROM GRANDMA’S CHINA!”
Mike looked at the dog.
“Is he wearing a bow tie?”
“MICHAEL!”
“Sorry! What’s going on?”
I explained.
“What on earth happened here?”
Mike rubbed his forehead.
“Mom, Sarah asked you to stop.”
“But this is different!” These dishes are worth thousands!”
“Mom, it’s not about the price.”
“Then what is it about?!”
“Respecting someone else’s things.”
“Mom, it’s not about the price.”
Linda looked between us.
“You’re both being ridiculous!”
Mike took a breath.
“Mom, Sarah shouldn’t have used Grandma’s china without permission. But you shouldn’t have used our dishes for Charlie after we told you not to.”
Linda pressed her lips together.
“Respecting someone else’s things.”
“Well, Charlie will never touch your dishes again!”
“Good,” I said. “Then we’re finally on the same page.”
***
The next morning, I walked into the kitchen and found Linda preparing Charlie’s breakfast.
He was bouncing around her feet.
She picked up one of our regular plates.
Then she noticed me.
We looked at each other.
She picked up one of our regular plates.
Without a word, she put the plate back.
She reached for Charlie’s own bowl and transferred his food into it.
“Happy now?”
“Very.”
“I still think you went too far.”
“And I still think you should’ve listened the first seven times.”
“Happy now?”
She said nothing.
I poured myself some coffee.
As I headed toward the door, Linda called after me.
“And that ridiculous bowl with my name on it?”
“What about it?”
“I’m giving it to Charlie.”
“I’m giving it to Charlie.”
“Perfect. It’s dishwasher-safe.”
I heard her mutter something about impossible daughters-in-law.
Charlie didn’t seem to mind.
He was already enjoying his breakfast.
And for the first time all week, everyone in my house was eating from the right dishes.
He was already enjoying his breakfast.
Then Linda’s renovations were finally finished. I’m going to miss Charlie.
