The dining room of my parents’ house smelled like pot roast and Elaine’s perfume, which was a heavy musky thing she had worn my entire life and which I associated, with considerable accuracy, with the particular sensation of being evaluated and found wanting. The mahogany table was polished to a mirror shine. The silver cutlery was aligned with the precision of a place setting that existed more for the statement it made than for any practical comfort.
My father Robert sat at the head. My mother Elaine sat at his right. My younger sister Madison sat across from her.
And I, Hannah, sat at the far end, which was where I had always sat, which was to say slightly outside the frame of the family portrait they were perpetually composing. I was twenty-six that year, wearing a blouse from a department store that was several tiers below what Madison’s dress cost, and I was tired in the specific way that fifty-hour weeks at a corporate strategy firm produce tiredness, a tiredness that lives in the shoulders and the back of the eyes and does not fully resolve regardless of how much you sleep. Madison was twenty-four and recently engaged to Greg, a man whose most immediately visible characteristic was an inherited net worth, and she had the particular radiance of someone who had never in her life been told that a thing she wanted was not immediately available to her.
Dinner had been a sustained exercise in the kind of conversation my family specialized in, the kind that moves along the surface of pleasantness while conducting its real business through implication and the strategic deployment of comparison. Elaine had already commented on my hair, on the absence of a partner beside me, and on the size of my apartment, which she described as “cozy” in the tone that means something else entirely. These were not unusual observations.
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